The phrase, as it goes, is “No reason to stay is a good reason to go.” and, well, I’ve once again run out of reasons to stay. I had a handful goals in mind when I got back to Massachusetts, my reasons for being here, and while I didn’t quite get them all in order, they’re in decent enough shape for me to move on for the time being. Shadows from the last year are still drawn a bit too long and as much as I’d like to just be through with them, I’m not. So, I’ll do what I always do and keep searching for some place new.
If there is anything I learned from 2011 it’s that when you live a somewhat nomadic lifestyle people have an expectation that you will always travel to them. You will be the one that moves, that reaches out, that connects and arrives. On one hand, when you want to see someone it’s nice to have a destination (and I, of course, love seeing my friends), on the other it’s nice to be the destination some times, to know that someone is willing to put in effort to share some time. It’s a rare thing that anyone ever comes to me and that’s something I’m going to fix this year. Not so much by forcing people come to me, but by setting some destinations for myself and whoever wants to join is welcome. My expectations are managed.
I have a few projects in the works, none of which are bound by location, that I’ll be able to roll out from where ever I end up, if anywhere. For the moment I just need to get back out on the road and try to leave some of these faded memories behind me. I gambled big last year, on a lot of different things and while I did win some, I lost a lot more. I stepped way outside my comfort zone, for the best possible reasons, and while the personal growth and experience was needed and appreciated, the things I learned about people was not what I was hoping. The past two or so months have just been drawing a lot of those things out, but that’s been on me to do so for better and worse. Like above, it’s been me going to people. Sadly, it’s a no win situation most of the time. Making the continued effort, just on even the most basic levels, takes a huge toll after a while and not doing so just gives people a really convenient excuse to just not have to do anything at all, which provides an even more full circle excuse of “well you deserve better”. So on, so forth. Like I said, no win. I think part of me just doesn’t want to give people the sense of self-righteous satisfaction from a passive aggressive cop-out give up and part of me just like to have more faith in people than that. Who knows? If I ever assume anything, it’s that other people have more information than I do and I just have to trust that such is the case.
So I leave my doors open, as always, but the road is calling to me once again. More and more I feel it’s just where I belong, so for now I’ll be making my home once again. Maybe some place warm. It’s been cold here. And dark.
I set my sail
far, the wind it will take me
back to my home, sweet home
Lay on my back
clouds are making way for me
I’m coming home, sweet home
you left it burning for me…