I’m watching a strange movie called ‘History of My Sexual Failures” on Sundance. I want it to be funny, but it’s really just kind of awkward and sad. I can’t really relate. It’s also almost 5AM on Easter Sunday (not that it really matters what day it is) and I’m being to told to go to sleep (instead, I’m writing this) but she’s right, I should probably get some rest. This is going to throw my whole schedule off this week.
Not that I really have a schedule. Usually I can just make due with the sleep I get, regardless of how little it is. It takes a lot to wear me down, even when I try to do it to myself. I have a reserve I just can’t seem to empty, physically, emotionally (with certain people), etc. I have been trying recently too, just to see what it would take.
Anyway, this is not how I had intended to start this post. Originally it came about from thinking about by the phrase “Love is patient, love is kind.” (that might not be the actual quote) and how, really (semantically) it most certainly is not. People in love are patient and kind, love (if it really possesses any actual intrinsic values) tends to be impatient and pretty cruel sometimes. Impatient in the way that it waits for nothing. Once love is on the scene, it wants what it wants and those in the line of fire have no choice, really, but to acquiesce. And in that you have the cruelty aspect. Love takes hold and you do what it says, although that can certainly include being patient and kind. For the record: my patience is unconditional, as is my kindness (for those who know me).
Well, now it’s two days later. I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally. I know how to fix both those things, but there is also a matter of opportunity that needs to present itself. I probably shouldn’t even be writing this with the mood I’m in. The combination of factors involved drag me so far up and down over the course of a single day. Well, that and I’m at work. The first day of my last week. Things are coming hard and fast with very little room for error. Not that I think I’ll make many, but I keep telling myself to make a list and, well, I never do for some reason. I tend to function better in real time.
It’s funny how people always say that my patience is one of my most amazing virtues, yet I feel like I am the most impatient man alive.
It’s been another full day. While I’m a bit better rested, I’m also a day behind on packing up my apartment, which I have to be out of in four days.
In this picture stands a man far away, alone, and distant like a solitary field in some nameless, foreign, land
My heart aches. There are days when it feels like the whole world has gone away. When everyone that I normally communicate with is silent. All I want is to reach out, for someone to reply or say anything to me, just so I know someone is there. I don’t know, maybe that’s an unreasonable expectation. It’s hard to rely on people to be there for me, but at the same time, no one is beholden to that. It’s no one’s, I’m no ones, burden and I refuse to ever be. Something I said almost a decade ago keeps resonating in my head: ‘I like being by myself, I hate being alone.”
I’m good at being by myself, or at least that’s what I’ve always said (maybe out of necessity). It’s a strength thing, a confirmation of ones ability to stand on their own two feet. To not need anyone, per se. The fact of the matter is, that is just a default. Everyone has to be good at being by themselves, it’s literally the only way to function. Not everyone is good at being alone though, but I’m slowly starting to realize, that’s not a bad thing. You can still be independent, strong, determined, able, effective, creative, etc and still want to be, need to be, with someone. Especially if that someone inspires you, pushes and drives you. It’s ok to get those things from another person, and not just yourself. I know I can do that for myself, it’s there, I’ve proven it a thousand times over, but I want it to be enhanced, augmented, pushed forward, by another person. By her. And I want to do the same for that person.
It’s not about sacrificing independence, it’s not about giving up that which makes up me. It’s about becoming something so much more with someone else. It’s about filling in that piece that is missing. You can figure out what the puzzle is supposed to be with pieces missing, but it won’t really be complete until those last pieces are filled in. Sometimes, it’s another person who has those pieces. Maybe that’s the lesson. I don’t know. But I do know what I want.
And now I have to strike out again on my own, like I always have. I have to shore up my reserves and push forward yet again. Although it is different this time, it feels so much the same and I don’t want it to be that way. What progress is there if I’m just going through the same motions once again? I have a goal this time, but there are time when I feel like it’s slipping away from me. My whole life has been the journey, I’m ready to get to one of the goals now. I can see it so clearly and I want it so badly.
Maybe, just this once?