Even in the course of writing just this, I’ve delayed by three days. I’m now only putting this here for the sake of actually posting something.
It’s been a while. Not so much in terms of chronology, especially given this particular website, but more-so that so much has happened in that time. It’s also certainly not for a lack of anything to write, given that I’m sitting on about a dozen half finished posts about twice as many topics (though curiously, nearly all written on a train of some sort).
Here are some of those excerpts, just for posterity’s sake.
It’s becoming painfully obvious that I’m living a bit outside my means. Not financially, mind you, not at all, but more-so in a personal sense. I seem to have woven a complicated web of emotional entanglements and poorly defined relationships recently. Well, maybe not so much recently, but lately they seem to be coming dangerously close to crossing over, or worse, colliding (I use “worse” loosely, see below).
The worst part about all this really is the level of detachment I’m develoing alongside the intense levels of distress certain aspects are causing me. This is what I mean by “living outside of my means”. My highs and lows have been much more intense, ranging far outside what I consider to be my usual parameters.
And there is a good reason I will always consider myself the villain.
I do my sincere best to do the right thing. Probably to a fault, since often times I will undertake a course of action that leads me to do what I think is the right thing for other people and not just myself. I don’t do this out of ego (maybe a lie), or at least I don’t think I do (a lie, sometimes I do), I just usually want to see people happy, despite my own outcome. A lot of times the protection of that happiness means obfuscating the truth of something to preserve a fragile balance.
I never tell people the whole story. Well, that’s not true. I’ve told one person, a person who does the same for me. A person who was, is, worth the risk of standing exposed in front of. Without my armor. Without my safeguards against the world. She knows more about me that anyone else alive. She has my secrets in her hand. She is the only person who is not part of my overwhelmingly obsessive need to compartmentalize the people in my life. She stands above that. I should say she floats above that. To me she is an angel. She argues otherwise. It’s a semantic argument about perfection. But now I’m getting off course. Suffice to say, she is perfect to me.
Well, it’s now been 8 days since I wrote the above. I once again find myself on a train (a common theme around these parts), exhausted (I got about an hour of sleep last night), on my way back to Boston from NYC. The paragraph above was originally followed but an outline regarding trust, but it’s not really relevant any more. Suffice to say, above all things, sometimes you share a connection with a person that is simply too strong, too amazing, to really even be able to articulate in text.
In any case… (I have a brutal headache at the moment, which is rare for me.)
At the moment I’m in the process of, what has humorously becomes known as, buttoning things up in my life. At the moment it’s mostly just fulfilling the last of certain obligations. Some I’m just barely squeaking by, others I’m finalizing down to a T. I’m not sure which this post attempt will become. I know I’m going to stop writing this at some point before I finish and then I’m just going to have one giant post made up of other unfinished posts and that is just far too much quoting for me to deal with.
So, I decided to resign from my position of Event Specialist at Harmonix Music Systems. There is a laundry list of reasons, but let’s stick with “it just wasn’t a good fit”. It’s kind of a shame too, because I really do believe in this company and its games. Unfortunately, there just isn’t place for me there anymore. I’m not sure how I really feel about it, to be honest. The more I shift back into my freelance mindset the more I realize it was the correct decision. I had compromised a lot of personal and professional values for the job because I loved the work. As the work started to slide away, those sacrifices and compromises started to tip the balance in the other direction. I need to feel challenged, pushed, by my work. I need to be moving forward, learning new things, and testing myself. I had high hopes for the job as a potential career path but hey, things don’t always go to plan. My plans are adaptable though. Sometimes, it’s just time to move on. It was a decent year.
Of course, in a manner of speaking, that puts me on the road again. Well, makes me transient again anyway. It’s much more a lifestyle I’m accustomed to. The difference this time is that it’s not an end based on means, which is kind of how it’s always been for me (queue Wherever I May Roam). I actually have some goals set, things I want to do, places I want to see, and a person I want more than anything to be with. I’ve gained a bit of clarity on my own timeline, which is something I’ve never really had, and now I need to apply what I’ve made a living doing to my personal life: Meticulous Execution.
I’d be lying if I said I had a rock solid plan but, like I mentioned before, my plans are adaptable. Certain aspects of this plan though, are most definitely not. I suppose those are the goals. I have a path though, and waypoints along the path, so what matters now is how I walk that path.
So, in the meantime, there are places you can expect to find me in the next few months that do not include Cambridge, MA. At any given point you can expect to find me in: Paris, Los Angeles, Prague, New York City, Seattle, San Diego, San Francisco, Austin, Rome, Vancouver, Santa Cruz, and/or London. Nothing is definite except for the fact that home has nothing to do with where I am and everything to do with who is standing beside me.
It seems I've waited years for this day to end.